Monday, December 7
:
neutral zero emotions
and you know what: i don't want to be dependent on anyone. i don't want feelings.
all i want is something to just make me not feel anything.
i want antidepressants. i just want to eat them for breakfast lunch dinner and not feel anything for the rest of my life. i won't feel hungry, and i won't feel sad. and i won't care, as long as i have antidepressants.
i need to get antidepressants. when i panic abt diseases, i shall take my anxiety meds. when i'm depressed, i shall take antidepressants. i want to be in a constant state of neutral zero emotions.
+
: big fucking hole hi,
i am a hole, and i am very interesting.
people either want to stick their things in me or just talk to me.
no one wants to fill me up. or close the gap.
it's like that hole you have in your shirt/pocket.
you don't sew it up because
1) you somehow enjoy feeling/playing with that hole
2) you think it's not that important.
yeah. that's me. some decorative fuck element. or another unimportant empty thing.
yeah, whatever.
i want to fill this hole with anesthetic, and then i want to sew it back up. I want it to heal itself shut and i want every move i make to be without feeling. I want to hold my sexual organs in one hand and my heart in the other and cast them into the flames. these cursed things never made me feel whole. i just want my mind and my body, i want to just work and fill my life with the things that i want that does not involve any feelings. like money and fame. i want to be emotionless.
you know those antidepressants that block certain nerve transmissions so that you don't feel certain things? I wish i have those, different kinds for different nerves. then i'll take all of them so that i'll block a majority of the nerves, thus blocking most of my feelings. passing through life in a drug-induced state of emotionless. there really is an emotion sickness. i spent through my years not letting it show. but it'll manifest on my arms on my skin and on my flesh. but now i let it show and the cuts don't exist anymore but it feels like i have turned into one major walking cut. from the top of my head to my vagina i feel like my skin has been flayed open and i walk around like a repulsive cadaver. people only stay around because i'm something different or because they just want to fuck. and my eyes are blind, i can't find the needle nor the thread. i want to sew myself up and live normal. i wish someone could, at least, stay around and sew me up shut.
two nights ago i dreamt i was talking to that prof that i liked, and he held my hand in front of all the students. i dream of stupid things that makes me yearn more. fuck, it's 2am and no one is at home and i am bleeding water from my eyes. I wish they were blood so that I would bleed myself dry. bleed myself and put myself up to dry.
I am jealous of people. I am jealous of those who successfully killed themselves. I imagine them to be in that nowhere place between heaven and hell, and they're all sitting around and telling each other why they killed themselves. they talk of the things that they lacked in their lives, and they help each other. I wish to kill myself too and meet these people too. Maybe I'll meet someone as damaged as I am.
I fix you and you fix me. You feel alone, and I feel alone too. Let's both not feel alone. Do you have antidepressants? Oh, you have alot of it? Is that why you overdosed? Can I have some too?
I wish, when i sleep and dream of relationships (which happen quite often, i don't know why), i wish i don't wake up and just live in that world in which im not alone.
but i am afraid to die, i don't want to die alone. i don't even enjoy being alone much.
I feel so much better with cuts. It's like, your heart is pumping sad blood through your body, and when you bleed you lose some of the sadness. if you cut deep enough it will hurt but you'll lose more blood (which equals more sadness), and at the end of it, you feel better.
who cares right? no one is around. mother hates me because i'm not making father stay. my father doesn't feel anything much for me. I want to bleed myself out dry.
sorry God. i'm sorry i'm so pathetic. i ask for a healthy life, but i want to get rid of all my emotions. i am a walking contradiction. i know. i feel love, and i want to remove it from my life. i want it, but i somehow repel it. i don't know.
"Burn my knees and pray
[All my friends say]
Get up get up get up get up
Get up get up get up
Won't you stop my pain
E-motion sickness
Addict with no heroin
Good things will pass
It helps with excess access
Lessons learnt
E-motion sickness
Lessons learnt"
+
Tuesday, November 10 : letter to god #2 Dear God,
I am thankful for a lot of things.
You've made me a somewhat healthy (or so i believe) and beautiful individual. You've granted me alot of things (and skills), and I am thankful for all of that, although I do feel insecure about myself.
My life is breaking apart. I no longer feel gratified with my work. I can't think of any music to write. Any tune i make sounds pathetic and desperate, and every lyric I write sounds like a whiny letter asking to be forgiven. All I ask of now is for that one thing, one final piece to make it complete. I know I am quite impatient, but I would like to feel whole so that I will be able to live to my full potential. Right now i just feel like everything that I do is half empty, because I don't have anyone anymore.
All i need is one more person that i can be close to emotionally and physically. With him, although he and i may have separate goals, progressing in life will be so much more..pleasant.
I just wish i have someone beside me so that I can feel complete, instead of filling the hole with stupid fears and some other crap that i usually do. I want to be with a man who is my best friend, my partner, that I have sex with, because that's what I need. I don't need a smothering boyfriend, I don't need a man who acts like a father. All I want is someone I could talk to, someone I enjoy being around with, and at the same time, someone I can be physical with.
I had that man once. I enjoy being around him, I enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy his company. I enjoy his touch and I love him for what he is (OCD and all). But I let my insecurities get to me. In the end, his affections for me slowly went away.
And mostly, I could not get over the fact that he is still close friends with that girl.
I accused him, I blamed him for not caring, for not having feelings. I hurt and angered him, and now he does not want me in his life.
Please God, help me fix my insecurities. Help me fix myself. Help me move on from this unrequited love so that I could live my life.
I really cannot live like this. I know myself, I cannot live on my own. I do not enjoy being alone, dear God. I've been living alone all these while, and I know other people can do it, but I'm not other people.
My godbrother just broke up with his gf of 3 years. My aunt, just went through a divorce with her husband of 30+ years. Dear God, why did you make all these people sad?
And my friend, she has kidney failure now, and she's at the last stage. she needs a new kidney, or else she will die in one year. She is only 31. She has been together with her bf for 5 years, i always looked up to their relationship, and i wished that they would get married. But dear God, why do you let this happen? I pray for you, Maica.
and now I worry about my own health. I am trying my best, but I can't shake off the fact that the lump is still there. I know it could just disappear, but I fear that it would turn into something else. And I fear that I would die alone.
Dear God, I've asked you for this a thousand times. If it is not meant to be, help me move on and forget. Let me heal, so that I could live my life. Right now, I feel like a deaf person w/o a hearing aid. Everything around me is muted, I have lost the one thing that made music in my ears.
Yours sincerely,
___.
+
Sunday, November 8 : dream I hope you have stopped stalking me, whoever you are.
I had a dream. I dreamt I was at the side of a swimming pool looking at the water and thinking about how I want to get inside. (well, i can't swim, so usually i avoid swimming pools)
then suddenly, something happened. someone walked past or something, gave me a dress to wear or something. next thing i know, I'm in a white wedding dress that's all made in lace, and i'm making my way to the swimming pool.
as usual, the water is crystal clear, cool and refreshing. although it was a public swimming pool, it was sparkling clean, no chlorine either.
and i went into the water, in my dress. and my head was under the water, and underwater, it seems like everyone else is wearing a wedding dress, when in actual fact, they are not.
and i left the swimming pool, realising that i've perfectly ruined a really expensive and really nice wedding dress.
i wonder what this dream means:
Swimming pool - if you look into a swimming pool then this indicates that it is time to accept change the true meaning of this dream is that you need to consider part of your personality and character. If swimming then things in love are going to work out well.
"To buy or see yourself in a wedding dress shows that there are something’s in life worth fighting for – it is important for you to recognise what they are."
"You were wearing or buying a wedding dress or cake = Happy times are ahead."
okay. so does it mean this:
I wanted to accept some kind of change, and things in love are going to work out well but at the sacrifice of happy times ahead?
+
Tuesday, October 13 : mon-mon-monitor Some motherfucker is monitoring my blog.
making every copy of every page of my blog for god knows what reasons.
own up, you motherfucker.
+
Monday, October 12 : poems i want my poems back. i want all the files in my other hdd back. in it were all my assignments from the last 2 years.
not to mention, all my poems from when i was 14.
you know what? when you kept whining about how upset you were about losing your movies/music,
i was thinking about how upsetting it must have been for your sister to have lost all her memories from all the photos.
and now, i realised that i've lost all the poems i had since i was 14. wait, 12 even. my first lyrics, my first poems, my first songs even. that was my childhood, my digital childhood. all my birthday poems. all those letters to myself.
all in one folder. all fucking gone.
i have lost a part of myself. that's how it feels like.
+
Tuesday, September 15 : scorpion rising You see, at the time i was born, my ascendant was in Libra, yet I have Scorpio rising in my first house. ok fine so you have no idea what i'm talking right? how did it even come to this? well, a friend of mine told that there's nothing wrong with me. just that I'm intense. and the word intense could only mean one thing: scorpio.
(just for kicks, i shall bold the things i believe are intensely true)
Scorpio Rising in Females:
"The Scorpio rising female is a mystery, to herself and to men. Sexuality is her most potent force and she attracts men in every crowd. She knows what she wants, and any man she becomes interested in will know it is he. She isn't afraid to approach a man either as a business partner or for a relationship of a more intimate nature. This woman is a mind reader but she won't always let her partner know this...sometimes it's better to keep this knowledge to herself as a secret weapon. Passion is something a relationship with a Scorpio rising will never lack--be it as a screaming match or an all night party for two. She needs romance in the form of sensual fabrics, oils, and scents. She, like her male counterpart, expects any commitment to last forever and she will work very hard to accomplish this. Scorpio rising can be very dominating and smothering--when she comes across in this manner it is a sure sign that she needs attention and reassurance. She will not tolerate an unfaithful partner and she will quickly make a plan of revenge, even if her plan doesn't extend beyond removing her cheating mate from her presence forever. Indeed, that is likely the worst fate, for once a man is in love with a Scorpio, he will never forget her. Their relationship may dissolve into a love/hate type of connection and he may never see her again, but he will long remember the passionate nights they spent together in front of the fireplace, or the other nights he spent tied to the bedpost. He will be very hard pressed to find that combination of emotional faithfulness and sexual intensity again... unless he becomes involved with another Scorpio type."
i like that line: "combination of emotional faithfulness and sexual intensity"
because I know that is me. that's why i can't sleep around. I need to be emotionally faithful to someone before I will want to do anything sexual with him.
Or I will only do anything sexual with one person because I feel emotionally tied to him
Oh whatever.
Btw the rosewater cookies are way better with more sugar. next time i shall cut down on the flour.
+
Monday, September 14 : Version Me 2009 You see, i have been pretty much grappling with some things that pretty much left me back at the state that i was before 2008. Yes, you're right, THAT state. the one where i'm whiny/miserable and pretty much feeling very ugly and stupid and unattractive because of the fact that no guys pretty much wants me.
Now, the only difference between Version Me 2005 and Version Me 2009 is that several bugs have been fixed, but like every software upgrades, there are always new bugs.
Upgrades (Version Me 2009):
+ Better interface (Additional 6kgs that were present in Version Me 2005 have been removed due to several speed and memory issues)
+ Several communication bugs have been fixed
+ Upgraded R.A.M (Reasoning And Memory)
+ Better C.P.U (Cash & Pennies Utilisation)
Known bugs in Version Me 2009:
+ Still not social-friendly (persistantly stays mute in the company of more than 2 people)
+ Communication still encrypted and cannot be easily understood by unauthorised people
+ Upgraded R.A.M still inconsistant with O.S (Outside Society)
+ C.P.U has a tendency to reset to local cache to 0
If you have come across any other known bugs, do inform me. I'd like to get it fixed ASAP.
+
Saturday, September 12 : Mika Mika was bullied at school.
The 'Love Today' singer was tormented so much as a child, he became a 'cripplingly shy' teenager who was convinced he was a 'piece of sh*t'.
The 26-year-old star said: 'As a teenager I was a coward and a loser. I was shy. I was very camp in my own way but I didn't realise I was. I was bullied for being different.
'It was so bad that I was worried about surviving into my 20s.'
To deal with the bullying, Mika poured his angst into his music, inventing a brash stage persona to disguise his introverted true self.
The pop star explained: 'Now when I'm on stage I feel brave. And that's why I've put everything in my music. In real life, I'm still a very shy person. I find it excruciating being in the street and being recognised.
'Touring is also difficult. It's great but I also find it lonely. I'm so private I can't share anything with anyone.'
http://entertainment.sg.msn.com/Celebrity-Gossip/article.aspx?cp-documentid=3580335
+
: hold on It's one of the few songs I made in 2005 -that was complete but got chucked away when more new songs came along.
such an old song, yet the lyrics still stings. I don't know, sometimes I wonder if I have progressed these past few years.
the song is about some mythical being from the depths of Hell, who refuses to go back down to where she came from because she fell in love with some guy on Earth. The sad thing is that she is being chased by things from Hell, and she hoped that the guy would protect her, but in the end everything failed because the guy was a selfish little bastard who'd rather save himself than hold on to the one he loves.
that was the analysis for the song. I know when i wrote it 3 years ago it had some other story behind it but I just can't fucking remember. i only remember the feelings: disappointment and sadness, when i made this song.
"Put your arms around me and don't let go
I don't want to go down again, don't want to go down..
But you won't even hold on, you won't hold on..would you hold on?
Take my hands and lead me somewhere else
Where there won't be things that will take me away
from you, from everyone I knew, from everyone that I care for..
Would you even hold on? You won't hold on
But you won't even hold on, you won't hold on..would you hold on?
You won't even hold me."
hi my name is dualtone, purveyor of whiny music. bleargh.
+
all i want is something to just make me not feel anything.
i want antidepressants. i just want to eat them for breakfast lunch dinner and not feel anything for the rest of my life. i won't feel hungry, and i won't feel sad. and i won't care, as long as i have antidepressants.
i need to get antidepressants. when i panic abt diseases, i shall take my anxiety meds. when i'm depressed, i shall take antidepressants. i want to be in a constant state of neutral zero emotions.
+
: big fucking hole hi,
i am a hole, and i am very interesting.
people either want to stick their things in me or just talk to me.
no one wants to fill me up. or close the gap.
it's like that hole you have in your shirt/pocket.
you don't sew it up because
1) you somehow enjoy feeling/playing with that hole
2) you think it's not that important.
yeah. that's me. some decorative fuck element. or another unimportant empty thing.
yeah, whatever.
i want to fill this hole with anesthetic, and then i want to sew it back up. I want it to heal itself shut and i want every move i make to be without feeling. I want to hold my sexual organs in one hand and my heart in the other and cast them into the flames. these cursed things never made me feel whole. i just want my mind and my body, i want to just work and fill my life with the things that i want that does not involve any feelings. like money and fame. i want to be emotionless.
you know those antidepressants that block certain nerve transmissions so that you don't feel certain things? I wish i have those, different kinds for different nerves. then i'll take all of them so that i'll block a majority of the nerves, thus blocking most of my feelings. passing through life in a drug-induced state of emotionless. there really is an emotion sickness. i spent through my years not letting it show. but it'll manifest on my arms on my skin and on my flesh. but now i let it show and the cuts don't exist anymore but it feels like i have turned into one major walking cut. from the top of my head to my vagina i feel like my skin has been flayed open and i walk around like a repulsive cadaver. people only stay around because i'm something different or because they just want to fuck. and my eyes are blind, i can't find the needle nor the thread. i want to sew myself up and live normal. i wish someone could, at least, stay around and sew me up shut.
two nights ago i dreamt i was talking to that prof that i liked, and he held my hand in front of all the students. i dream of stupid things that makes me yearn more. fuck, it's 2am and no one is at home and i am bleeding water from my eyes. I wish they were blood so that I would bleed myself dry. bleed myself and put myself up to dry.
I am jealous of people. I am jealous of those who successfully killed themselves. I imagine them to be in that nowhere place between heaven and hell, and they're all sitting around and telling each other why they killed themselves. they talk of the things that they lacked in their lives, and they help each other. I wish to kill myself too and meet these people too. Maybe I'll meet someone as damaged as I am.
I fix you and you fix me. You feel alone, and I feel alone too. Let's both not feel alone. Do you have antidepressants? Oh, you have alot of it? Is that why you overdosed? Can I have some too?
I wish, when i sleep and dream of relationships (which happen quite often, i don't know why), i wish i don't wake up and just live in that world in which im not alone.
but i am afraid to die, i don't want to die alone. i don't even enjoy being alone much.
I feel so much better with cuts. It's like, your heart is pumping sad blood through your body, and when you bleed you lose some of the sadness. if you cut deep enough it will hurt but you'll lose more blood (which equals more sadness), and at the end of it, you feel better.
who cares right? no one is around. mother hates me because i'm not making father stay. my father doesn't feel anything much for me. I want to bleed myself out dry.
sorry God. i'm sorry i'm so pathetic. i ask for a healthy life, but i want to get rid of all my emotions. i am a walking contradiction. i know. i feel love, and i want to remove it from my life. i want it, but i somehow repel it. i don't know.
"Burn my knees and pray
[All my friends say]
Get up get up get up get up
Get up get up get up
Won't you stop my pain
E-motion sickness
Addict with no heroin
Good things will pass
It helps with excess access
Lessons learnt
E-motion sickness
Lessons learnt"
+
Tuesday, November 10 : letter to god #2 Dear God,
I am thankful for a lot of things.
You've made me a somewhat healthy (or so i believe) and beautiful individual. You've granted me alot of things (and skills), and I am thankful for all of that, although I do feel insecure about myself.
My life is breaking apart. I no longer feel gratified with my work. I can't think of any music to write. Any tune i make sounds pathetic and desperate, and every lyric I write sounds like a whiny letter asking to be forgiven. All I ask of now is for that one thing, one final piece to make it complete. I know I am quite impatient, but I would like to feel whole so that I will be able to live to my full potential. Right now i just feel like everything that I do is half empty, because I don't have anyone anymore.
All i need is one more person that i can be close to emotionally and physically. With him, although he and i may have separate goals, progressing in life will be so much more..pleasant.
I just wish i have someone beside me so that I can feel complete, instead of filling the hole with stupid fears and some other crap that i usually do. I want to be with a man who is my best friend, my partner, that I have sex with, because that's what I need. I don't need a smothering boyfriend, I don't need a man who acts like a father. All I want is someone I could talk to, someone I enjoy being around with, and at the same time, someone I can be physical with.
I had that man once. I enjoy being around him, I enjoy spending time with him, I enjoy his company. I enjoy his touch and I love him for what he is (OCD and all). But I let my insecurities get to me. In the end, his affections for me slowly went away.
And mostly, I could not get over the fact that he is still close friends with that girl.
I accused him, I blamed him for not caring, for not having feelings. I hurt and angered him, and now he does not want me in his life.
Please God, help me fix my insecurities. Help me fix myself. Help me move on from this unrequited love so that I could live my life.
I really cannot live like this. I know myself, I cannot live on my own. I do not enjoy being alone, dear God. I've been living alone all these while, and I know other people can do it, but I'm not other people.
My godbrother just broke up with his gf of 3 years. My aunt, just went through a divorce with her husband of 30+ years. Dear God, why did you make all these people sad?
And my friend, she has kidney failure now, and she's at the last stage. she needs a new kidney, or else she will die in one year. She is only 31. She has been together with her bf for 5 years, i always looked up to their relationship, and i wished that they would get married. But dear God, why do you let this happen? I pray for you, Maica.
and now I worry about my own health. I am trying my best, but I can't shake off the fact that the lump is still there. I know it could just disappear, but I fear that it would turn into something else. And I fear that I would die alone.
Dear God, I've asked you for this a thousand times. If it is not meant to be, help me move on and forget. Let me heal, so that I could live my life. Right now, I feel like a deaf person w/o a hearing aid. Everything around me is muted, I have lost the one thing that made music in my ears.
Yours sincerely,
___.
+
Sunday, November 8 : dream I hope you have stopped stalking me, whoever you are.
I had a dream. I dreamt I was at the side of a swimming pool looking at the water and thinking about how I want to get inside. (well, i can't swim, so usually i avoid swimming pools)
then suddenly, something happened. someone walked past or something, gave me a dress to wear or something. next thing i know, I'm in a white wedding dress that's all made in lace, and i'm making my way to the swimming pool.
as usual, the water is crystal clear, cool and refreshing. although it was a public swimming pool, it was sparkling clean, no chlorine either.
and i went into the water, in my dress. and my head was under the water, and underwater, it seems like everyone else is wearing a wedding dress, when in actual fact, they are not.
and i left the swimming pool, realising that i've perfectly ruined a really expensive and really nice wedding dress.
i wonder what this dream means:
Swimming pool - if you look into a swimming pool then this indicates that it is time to accept change the true meaning of this dream is that you need to consider part of your personality and character. If swimming then things in love are going to work out well.
"To buy or see yourself in a wedding dress shows that there are something’s in life worth fighting for – it is important for you to recognise what they are."
"You were wearing or buying a wedding dress or cake = Happy times are ahead."
okay. so does it mean this:
I wanted to accept some kind of change, and things in love are going to work out well but at the sacrifice of happy times ahead?
+
Tuesday, October 13 : mon-mon-monitor Some motherfucker is monitoring my blog.
making every copy of every page of my blog for god knows what reasons.
own up, you motherfucker.
+
Monday, October 12 : poems i want my poems back. i want all the files in my other hdd back. in it were all my assignments from the last 2 years.
not to mention, all my poems from when i was 14.
you know what? when you kept whining about how upset you were about losing your movies/music,
i was thinking about how upsetting it must have been for your sister to have lost all her memories from all the photos.
and now, i realised that i've lost all the poems i had since i was 14. wait, 12 even. my first lyrics, my first poems, my first songs even. that was my childhood, my digital childhood. all my birthday poems. all those letters to myself.
all in one folder. all fucking gone.
i have lost a part of myself. that's how it feels like.
+
Tuesday, September 15 : scorpion rising You see, at the time i was born, my ascendant was in Libra, yet I have Scorpio rising in my first house. ok fine so you have no idea what i'm talking right? how did it even come to this? well, a friend of mine told that there's nothing wrong with me. just that I'm intense. and the word intense could only mean one thing: scorpio.
(just for kicks, i shall bold the things i believe are intensely true)
Scorpio Rising in Females:
"The Scorpio rising female is a mystery, to herself and to men. Sexuality is her most potent force and she attracts men in every crowd. She knows what she wants, and any man she becomes interested in will know it is he. She isn't afraid to approach a man either as a business partner or for a relationship of a more intimate nature. This woman is a mind reader but she won't always let her partner know this...sometimes it's better to keep this knowledge to herself as a secret weapon. Passion is something a relationship with a Scorpio rising will never lack--be it as a screaming match or an all night party for two. She needs romance in the form of sensual fabrics, oils, and scents. She, like her male counterpart, expects any commitment to last forever and she will work very hard to accomplish this. Scorpio rising can be very dominating and smothering--when she comes across in this manner it is a sure sign that she needs attention and reassurance. She will not tolerate an unfaithful partner and she will quickly make a plan of revenge, even if her plan doesn't extend beyond removing her cheating mate from her presence forever. Indeed, that is likely the worst fate, for once a man is in love with a Scorpio, he will never forget her. Their relationship may dissolve into a love/hate type of connection and he may never see her again, but he will long remember the passionate nights they spent together in front of the fireplace, or the other nights he spent tied to the bedpost. He will be very hard pressed to find that combination of emotional faithfulness and sexual intensity again... unless he becomes involved with another Scorpio type."
i like that line: "combination of emotional faithfulness and sexual intensity"
because I know that is me. that's why i can't sleep around. I need to be emotionally faithful to someone before I will want to do anything sexual with him.
Or I will only do anything sexual with one person because I feel emotionally tied to him
Oh whatever.
Btw the rosewater cookies are way better with more sugar. next time i shall cut down on the flour.
+
Monday, September 14 : Version Me 2009 You see, i have been pretty much grappling with some things that pretty much left me back at the state that i was before 2008. Yes, you're right, THAT state. the one where i'm whiny/miserable and pretty much feeling very ugly and stupid and unattractive because of the fact that no guys pretty much wants me.
Now, the only difference between Version Me 2005 and Version Me 2009 is that several bugs have been fixed, but like every software upgrades, there are always new bugs.
Upgrades (Version Me 2009):
+ Better interface (Additional 6kgs that were present in Version Me 2005 have been removed due to several speed and memory issues)
+ Several communication bugs have been fixed
+ Upgraded R.A.M (Reasoning And Memory)
+ Better C.P.U (Cash & Pennies Utilisation)
Known bugs in Version Me 2009:
+ Still not social-friendly (persistantly stays mute in the company of more than 2 people)
+ Communication still encrypted and cannot be easily understood by unauthorised people
+ Upgraded R.A.M still inconsistant with O.S (Outside Society)
+ C.P.U has a tendency to reset to local cache to 0
If you have come across any other known bugs, do inform me. I'd like to get it fixed ASAP.
+
Saturday, September 12 : Mika Mika was bullied at school.
The 'Love Today' singer was tormented so much as a child, he became a 'cripplingly shy' teenager who was convinced he was a 'piece of sh*t'.
The 26-year-old star said: 'As a teenager I was a coward and a loser. I was shy. I was very camp in my own way but I didn't realise I was. I was bullied for being different.
'It was so bad that I was worried about surviving into my 20s.'
To deal with the bullying, Mika poured his angst into his music, inventing a brash stage persona to disguise his introverted true self.
The pop star explained: 'Now when I'm on stage I feel brave. And that's why I've put everything in my music. In real life, I'm still a very shy person. I find it excruciating being in the street and being recognised.
'Touring is also difficult. It's great but I also find it lonely. I'm so private I can't share anything with anyone.'
http://entertainment.sg.msn.com/Celebrity-Gossip/article.aspx?cp-documentid=3580335
+
: hold on It's one of the few songs I made in 2005 -that was complete but got chucked away when more new songs came along.
such an old song, yet the lyrics still stings. I don't know, sometimes I wonder if I have progressed these past few years.
the song is about some mythical being from the depths of Hell, who refuses to go back down to where she came from because she fell in love with some guy on Earth. The sad thing is that she is being chased by things from Hell, and she hoped that the guy would protect her, but in the end everything failed because the guy was a selfish little bastard who'd rather save himself than hold on to the one he loves.
that was the analysis for the song. I know when i wrote it 3 years ago it had some other story behind it but I just can't fucking remember. i only remember the feelings: disappointment and sadness, when i made this song.
"Put your arms around me and don't let go
I don't want to go down again, don't want to go down..
But you won't even hold on, you won't hold on..would you hold on?
Take my hands and lead me somewhere else
Where there won't be things that will take me away
from you, from everyone I knew, from everyone that I care for..
Would you even hold on? You won't hold on
But you won't even hold on, you won't hold on..would you hold on?
You won't even hold me."
hi my name is dualtone, purveyor of whiny music. bleargh.
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